Betsy Arnold, Ace Reporter, was determined to get the scoop. Sure, the big stuff had already been revealed: spaceship crashes into demon, church is magically protected against any attacks, somehow it all relates to gay marriage, bla bla bla.
Betsy didn’t care about any of that. No, she cared about the good stuff. The deep stuff. The stuff her readers were looking to read.
What embarrassing things had people involved in the scandal taken part in? (Did I forget to mention she worked for TMZ? Whoops. It’s no big deal, since that totally says nothing at all about her character or journalistic integrity.)
The janitor was totally irrelevant to this discussion. He was happily married. He didn’t have the sex appeal.
But Anne and Shade? Well, they sure did look pretty gay. I mean, Anne had a short haircut, and Shade wore way too much leather. And they hung out a lot, so that probably made them a lesbian couple, right?
Yes, Betsy decided. She was so certain of this clever observation that she’d broken the story. Originally she’d decided to title the story, “YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHERE HER TONGUE HAS BEEN” with the idea that some photographer would snap a picture of Anne doing something very lesbian.
Unfortunately, the picture couldn’t be found. So after telling the photographer that he should “grow a pair,” or perhaps “just shrivel up and turn into a raisin. At least raisins taste good,” Betsy had ripped her photographer’s camera from his hands. She’d titled the story, “WHERE HAS HER TONGUE BEEN WE’RE NOT SURE BUT SHE’S PROBABLY A LESBIAN,” running it with a picture from Anne’s high school yearbook.
Then, deciding she was going to get a true scoop, Betsy, snuck past campus security with a terribly clever disguise (baseball cap and backpack, the backpack being used to carry both the camera and the insane amount of coffee her body required). She scaled the wall to Anne’s apartment, doing so at around 8 AM, a time when no college student in their right mind was awake.
So it was that she’d found herself in Anne’s bathroom, listening so that she’d be ready to open the door and snap a picture when she and Shade did something embarrassingly lesbian.