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A Terrible Idea 25

Anne ordered an Everything Bagel, then looked out at all the bagel shop’s patrons. People were sitting there, eating their bagels. And it was pretty messy. Because lemme let you in on a little secret Dear Readers: there’s no polite way to eat a bagel.

They’re such unwieldy things. I mean, try eating a bagel with your pinkies up. I fucking dare you. You’ll look ridiculous.

Trying to eat a bagel with a fork and knife? It won’t work. Looks fucking ridiculous.

The only way to eat a bagel is to embrace your animal instinct. You’ve gotta get into that bagel, rip it off with your wolf teeth and embrace the crumbs that are going to end up everywhere. But you wanna know why so many people eat bagels? Why they’re so loved?

Because they’re fucking delicious.

So, looking out at all the bagel-eaters, who embraced the Truth and Goodness that is Messy Bagel Eating, Anne tried to find Caine’s friend. Quickly she realized she had a problem: specifically, she had no idea who Caine’s friend was.

So she decided to take a seat at a random table, hoping Caine’s friend would come and sit down next to her.

She sat there for a moment, looking around to see if anyone approached. No one did. So, slowly and carefully, she took a bite out of her bagel.

It sort of hurt her gums, and the bagel toppings sprinkled everywhere. She chewed on it for a solid five-to-ten seconds. Then she looked around, seeing if Caine’s friend was going to show up.

Am I getting stood up? she wondered. Either way, she at least had a bagel to eat.

She took another bite. Just as she did, a woman in a tank-top and a baseball cap walked up to her, sitting at the seat across from her.

The woman with the baseball cap took a deck of cards out of her pocket, put it face-down on the table, and said, “Pick a card.”

Anne, shocked, tried answering the question. But since her mouth was filled with bagel, all she could really do was mumble.

“Queen of Diamonds?” The woman asked.

Anne shook her head yes.

“I’ve been doing this for a while,” the woman said. She lifted the card off the top of the deck.

It was The Queen of Diamonds.

Anne wanted to congratulate the lady or whatever, but her mouth was still full of bagel, so all she did was mumble some more.

“I’m Caine’s friend,” the lady said, “Magique.”

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