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A Terrible Idea 21

Betsy Arnold, Ace Reporter, interviewed the wide-eyed, gray-bearded believer.

“David came back to life!” the believer explained, spittle spewing from his mouth. “He out-Jesus’d Jesus!”

“Out-Jesus’d Jesus,” Betsy said, microphone in hand. “Interesting.” Her long black hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and her voice had an air of calm about it. She looked at the camera, then back at the man, whom she’d chosen to interview outside the Boca Raton Bible Church. This certainly wasn’t the sort of interview she’d been expecting to conduct, when she’d moved from the tabloids and into cable journalism.

“On a scale of one to Jesus,” Betsy asked, “how Jesus-y is David being?”

“He’s off the scale!” the believer yelled (unnecessarily, since he was speaking into a microphone). “Reverend Francis was explaining it to me earlier. You see, when the Revelation comes and everything’s gettin’ all apocalyptic, Jesus is gonna be doin’ a lot of the hard shit, beatin’ on Satan an’ all.”

“He’s gonna be all, y’know, ‘To Hell with you, Satan!’” The believer got into a fighting stance, boxing the air with his fists. “Pow pow and all that.”

“Fascinating,” Betsy said, trying and failing to hide her amusement.

“But then you’ve got David, right? You’ve got the kid of Galactic Man — greatest hero to walk the face of the earth. And you’ve got a boy who’s come back to life. So when Jesus is screwin’ around with Satan, he can be all like, ‘Hey, David, take care of all the other monsters!’”

“So, David’s gonna be all, ‘Aye aye, Jesus!’” The believer proceeded to get down on the grass, pretending to wrestle an invisible figure. “And David is gonna be down here, putting all the Biblical demons and monsters into headlocks, bein’ all like, ‘The Power of Christ Compels Me To Kick Your Ass!’”

“Please get up,” Betsy said.

The believer did just that. He gave a big smile, as he tried wiping some of the dirt and grass of his shirt.

“You understand, of course, that David is Jewish,” Betsy said.

Jesus was too, of course. It was for this reason that Betsy expected an interesting conversation, with him delving deeper into the nature of his belief.

The believer opened his mouth, but much to his surprise, he couldn’t muster any of the right words to come out.

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