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A Terrible Idea 1

Galactic Man loved the bullets.

They pinged off his chest, ricocheting into the air. One shattered the window of his lovely home, another whizzed harmlessly through the leaves of an alder tree.

Galactic Man smiled, not rushing. He would get to the shooter, but in his own time and at his own pace. He could’ve been there in an instant — could’ve used his super speed or his super flight or any other number of godly powers. But that would’ve ruined the fun.

The shooter was just the latest model of Poparazzi: a weird cross between shitty Internet journalism and shitty Internet viruses. Poparazzi would attack the superhero in a flashy way that never caused much damage. A camera hidden in their eye would transmit the video of a superhero attack to an untraceable database. This video would then be used to fuel click-baity articles — the sort you see advertised in the margins of many popular websites.

Galactic Man grabbed the barrel of the gun. It was hot, having just discharged a series of bullets. He noticed but didn’t care. Crushing the barrel with his hand, he thought about all the people who’d been killed by guns. He thought about all the sad poor souls who weren’t as strong as him.

The gun bent under the will of his palm. It made a satisfying creaking noise, protesting audibly as if to say, “This doesn’t make sense. I was supposed to hurt you.”

Galactic Man made sure to look into the camera as he said this next part. The sad little robot — no more than 5 feet tall, an ugly metal thing that’d been designed for voyeurism as opposed to pleasing aestheticism — was doing the one thing in life it could do: recording.

“No one messes with my family.” Galactic Man’s black spitcurl was a bit too long, so he had to brush it away from his eyes as he said, “They try, but boy do they fail.”

Galactic Man grabbed the Poparazzi by the shoulder, plucking it off the ground as if it weighed nothing. Then, in a motion reminiscent of a simpler, baseball-loving America, Galactic Man tossed the Poparazzi into space.

The robot malfunctioned long before it hit the atmosphere. Still, it’d gotten some damn good footage.

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