Several star systems away, on the planet Renflaxxx, many lightyears past Alpha Centauri (but if you hit Procyon B you’ve gone too far), Empress Melixxandra (or, as she was called by the Renflaxxxians, Emprexx Melixxandra) sat on the throne. It was, simply enough, a new La-Z-Boy, which had been imported from Earth after the last one had blown up in the tragic spaceship-crashing-into-a-goddamn-demon incident.
Her intergalactic intern, Olivia (whose telepathic connection to Earth had just recently been discovered when she realized she had a surprising amount of knowledge about the soapy machinations of the Earth show, Real Miami Superheroes), revealed a surprising fact: “A Golden Man has awakened. Er, re-awakened.”
Emprexx Melixxandra found this factoid surprising because the Renflaxxxians hadn’t sent out a Golden Man in several years.
“What planet?” she asked.
“Earth,” Olivia said. She hoped helping Emprexx Melixxandra like this might allow her to become part of some space royalty. Surely there was some sort of moon that could use her interplanetary telepathic abilities?
Emprexx Melixxandra smiled. In all truth, she felt thankful for Earth had given her: mainly, her throne. If her husband hadn’t crashed into that demon while on Earth, why, she might still be his wife! And you wouldn’t imagine what a terrible husband he was.
Football. He wouldn’t shut the fuck up about football.
A smile slipped onto Emprexx Melixxandra’s scaly face as she remembered. She shook her head.
Still, for all that she loved Earth, a war could always be counted on for a good time.
“Olivia,” Emprexx Melixxandra said, “I think we’re going to go on a little trip.”
“Do you want me to go to Starbuxxx and get some coffee for the road,” she said. Realizing she’d made a mistake, she tried to course correct her sentence, “Er, space road. Space. For the space travel. Coffee for space.”
“Of course you’re going to have to get coffee before we go,” Emprexx Melixxandra said, “Isn’t that what interns are for?”