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Don’t Diss Topia Part 4

“Seriously, what did you tell The Test Giver?” my sister asked, walking by my side as we passed under the fake lanterns leading through the entrance to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

To tell you the truth, I couldn’t have given two shits about her. What I did care about was Elton and Dirk, who were chatting each other up, having a great time. The Test Giver had specifically up a trip through the Pirates of the Caribbean Ride so that I could have sex with one of them (or, preferably, both of them). But there they were! Not even remotely interested in having sex!

“Uh, bla bla hello, bla bla I’m thirsty for the D. That’s what I told The Test Giver.”

“Really?” my sister asked.

“Yeah,” I said, “That about covers it.”

“It was weird,” she said. “When I entered The Test Giver’s office, he just told me to not bother with my future. He said I might as well just hang around you, since I was a boring nobody but my sister was going to be special.”

“Ha,” I said, dying a bit on the inside. “That’s what he said? I’d hate for that to be a description that described me.”

“Yeah,” my sister muttered, and I saw that she was actually really hurt by it.

I stopped, placing my hands on her shoulders. “Lillie, I have to tell you something.”

“Yeah?” she said, looking up at me with her doe eyes.

Elton and Dirk stopped, turning around to look at us. Dirk pinched Elton’s butt, and Elton giggled.

“Oh, you cad!” Elton said.

“Hey!” I yelled, snapping my fingers. “Stop that! Both of you! I’m trying to seduce you guys!”

“Uh, really?” Dirk asked. “Because we’re both obviously gay.”

Elton looked awkward. “We just made out five minutes ago. Right in front of you. I can’t imagine how that would be ambiguous.”

I sighed. “Honestly? Loneliness and wishful thinking overpowered me. But I think the real solution to my problem is masturbation, so you two can go do whatever gay stuff you want to.”

“Cool,” Dirk said. “Let’s go on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. It’s my favorite.”

The two of them spun around, heading back towards the ride.

“Totally,” Elton said. “So long as we can–”

“Oh,” Dirk said. “We will.”

As soon as they left, my sister said, “What’d you want to tell me?”

I looked deep into her eyes. They reminded me of my own, when I was her age. “Sis, you can’t ever let a man define who you are. So you shouldn’t let what The Test Giver say bother you.”

“Wow,” she said, “that’s actually… really smart.”

I took in a deep breath. “Also, The Test Giver said that I was really special, but that’s only because he thought I was you. He thought that you were special. He thought I was the boring one.”

My sister looked at me askance. “Why would he mix us up like that.”

“Because I told him that I was you.”

She nodded her head. “You are, without a doubt, a douchebag.”

“Yeah,” I said, “but that’s because I’ve grown into douchebaggery over many years. I’ve developed the traits of douchery. I don’t need a man to tell me that. I know I’m a douchebag, from the bottom of my heart.”


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