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Don’t Diss Topia 2

I sat outside The Test Room, waiting for my turn. Lillie sat with me, too. But if I’m being entirely honest, I didn’t really like her that much.

She was eleven, I was seventeen, and somehow we were taking this test at the same time? I’m pretty sure she would’ve had to skip like ten grades to do that. Or five, or…

Shut up. I know I’m not good at math, okay?

Anyway, I didn’t like her very much, because she was all ‘smart’ and ‘special’. Which was kind of stupid, really.

That meant her presence didn’t help me at all, which sucked, because I actually was pretty nervous. Like, PaPa told me this was actually a really easy test, and that I should be grateful I didn’t have to take the LSAT like he did.

But then I was like, “Screw you, PaPa. Figuring out what I want is really hard. Nobody cares about laws, anyway. Laws are like whiny people: they tell you what to do but nobody really cares.”

He grimaced at that, muttering about Lab Or Child laws while he went outside to chop some fake wood.

He didn’t know anything. This test was going to be super hard. Because yeah, I felt pretty sure I knew what I wanted. But what if that wasn’t the right answer? What if I told the Test Giver that I wanted the D, and he told me that didn’t matter?

There were four personality types you could get sorted into: the Hotties, the Uglies, the Thinkers, and the Workers. If I got sorted into the Workers, or worse, the Uglies…

I shuddered at the thought.

Some boy left the Test Giver’s room, sobbing.

“My MaMa says I’m not an Ugly,” he whimpered.

“Yeah, well your MaMa lied, kid,” the Test Giver said. “Your face is ugly and you asked for happiness. That makes you stupid and ugly! Happiness! Ha! We’re in the UnHappiest Place on Earth!”

I pointed and laughed at the Ugly — not so much because he’d done anything funny, but because I wanted to get on the Test Giver’s good side.

“You,” he said, pointing at me. “I like you. Come inside. You’re next.”

I smiled, bouncing up off the chair.

“You’re getting rewarded for being a–” Lillie began.

“Shut up, Lillie,” I said, making my way into the room.

The Test Giver held the door open for me while I walked through. His office wasn’t particularly impressive. You know what average, everyday offices look like? That’s exactly how his office looked.

“Please, take a seat,” he told me.

I did. He sat across from me at his desk.

“There’s no need to draw this out, Ms. Bit. Just tell me your name, then I’ll ask you my question.”

“Okay,” I said.

Digging through a stack of folders, he asked, “What’s your last name?”

“Bit,” I said.

“Bit, Bit, Bit,” he said. After a second, he found the right folder and pulled it out. “Oh.”


“Oh,” he repeated.


“Wow,” he said.

I almost told him he sounded like a very bad porno. I refrained.

“What?” I asked. “What is it?”

“Well, Lillie Bit,” he said. “You’re very special.”

My sister’s special? I thought. Screw her. I want to be special.

“Yes. I, Lillie Bit, am special,” I said.

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Thanks for reading! If you’re liking this story, you might also like the oh-so-classy Zombie Boner Prostitute Heck Yeah.


One comment on “Don’t Diss Topia 2

  1. Unlike everything else I post here, I have no idea what the schedule for this is going to be. But there probably aren’t going to be that many posts, so just… hang back? Thanks for being wonderful human beings.


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